I Test

by Ben Crawford

I don’t know when I first knew death was out for me.

In church, I gave myself the “I” test.

– Who am I? When am I? What am I? –

I was in church after all.

I thought, I’ll go see him.

I’ll get baptized.

I’ll wait my life out. Then I’ll ask.

I’m waiting, so I pondered death, and how to make it fair to Heaven.

No suicide – that’s out.

Be neighborly. Neighbors made that stressful.

I found heaven and God unassured.

I asked, what next? What will hunting death bring me?

I was no longer guaranteed my family or soul.

I dropped both.
I implore god no longer. He’s there waiting with anticipated glee.

I think of death in the meantime.

For life is trivial, as at its ending, I will have had no answers, no sureties, from the Almighty.

I strive in aimless pursuit of the question that only arrives at death.

I boringly wait for that onrushing answer.

The Death God answers.

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